moongate.

Abandoned. I miss Pulua Sarang so freaking much. ):

Oh crap, my nose is suffering from a major major MAJOR leakage, oh god damn it. Tissue box and tissue paper piling up on my bed, again. I just ate (I think like an hour or so ago?) some japanese peas and I think I had a tad too much, got kinda sick of it. Due to. Overwhelming hunger. Thought it would be a great idea to like cook the remaining 1/4 packet of peas and ooooh, I was so damn wrong. I love the peas so much, but now I'm so afraid of eating too many at one go. K, why am I even talking about peas? Tell me about it.

I've been so unfaithful to my blog lately, awww. Life has been rather mundane. 'Cause of the yadahyadah daily routine whatever nonsense shit bullcrapblah. Uh, kayyy. I'm making no sense. OKAY. It's so late already. Understood.

Ok ok. Serious now. I've been cut off from the world, I guess. Due to the tremendous burden of having to study AND work at the same time. I'm so miserably time poor now. ): I can't even find time for me lately, well, only now. That's why I'm like making full use of it to chat, upload long dued photographs and what's not lar.

Hmmmm, one word to describe me, still. One word.
CONFUSED.
Can anyone tell me what do I really want?
Acutally I do, but it just doesn't come so easily, does it?
What I really want is so simple, yet so difficult to achieve.
Years, am I not patient enough?
Stupid tear-jerking scenes, stupid memories, stupid you.
Scaring haunting pasts, that doesn't fail to get into you..
Family.. lovers.. friends..
Yet again, I'm so worn out, so crest-fallen, so utterly upset.
Growing up has never been so hurting.
And Love shouldn't hurt.
Well, whatever.

Today saw me with bestie for toasts, teh-see and apple juice :] Thanks darling, for everything. Thanks for listening, giving me moral support, for your guidance, and that ever understanding heart of yours. Distance may have been the reason we haven't been seeing each other, but nevertheless you've still proven me wrong. Even with the distance, I'm sure you won't let this 7 coming to 8 years go to waste. I was wrong to think that you don't want to care anymore. But I should have been so much more understanding. I thank God. Thank Him for keeping this friendship ever so strong even though I've lost faith, that you girl, still make it all the way back, just for me. I'm deeply overwhelmed with gratitude, 'cause I've found you. Thanks Olivia.

Feels like I can finally express my thoughts for you, to you. :) I can't wait to attend your wedding, be the bride's maid on you wedding days in Singapore and Italy. I hope that you have found the man you love and you wish to be with for the rest of your life, have his little green eye babies and start a wonderful new life, a family :) I can't wait to carry your SON! LOL. Remember girl, I'll always be there like you have always been for me too. I LOVE YOU.

Su-hanna Quek Geok Hee has not been forgotten toooooo. YOU ARE SO NOT FORGOTTEN PLEASE. You are the strength that keep my flames going on this coming almost 3 years. Thank God that he has let you enter my life. I guess without you, I'll be wobbling my way through Poly. Heh. Thanks for all your little words of encouragement every single time I needed them, your guidance, your listening ear for hearing my terrible woes, your company! OUR FUN. :) Thank YOU, my fake lesbian partner. You will always be my lesbian crush. I'll always be your JOLEBEANIES :D

Time flew.
Where will he be.
Where will they be.
&where will I be...

"Someone who can show you the true meaning of Love, and not lust.. Anymore.."

ROFL.

Sometimes, I just wna sit and laugh at people's life, how ridiculous they seemed and that they yet seem to be so proud of it. Yes yes, life's all about the good stuff, whatever happened to yourrrr bad side? Wooo hoo, good deal it's hidden. Doubting your downfall doesn't seem to make you stronger, so when will you ever learn? My life had never been like that little Miss Perfectionist, 'cause I'm not. I strive for balance in mine. Learning from my past and mistakes are a pain, but who don't pick themselves up whenever they fall? Well, for some people still do strive for perfection which I totally reckon, futile. Stop building pretty little sandcastles in the air and get back down to reality, please. LOL. I better shut up now, the whole contradiction thing, it's scary somehow.

I'm tired and someone didn't try hard enough to make it better for me! Said, bye bye bye bye and hung up. He says he doesn't wna disturb me further. Well.. The least you could do was to TALK TO ME when you wanted me call. I'm already so fucking boredddd with my projects. And stop asking me to miss you! 'Cause I won't tonight! NEVERMIND. I digress :)

With such utter disgust,
Jolene.

nonsense.

I'm feeling superbly silly sad now. ): I feel forgotten somehow.. All the stupid little promises made, I seriously feel like tearing it up into bits and shreds and just burn it away with fire. It's bugging me like some irritating mozzie bite. It's seriously a PAIN in the ass. Damn it. What for get so upset over the same issues over and over again, when people don't listen, over react and still think I'm that sensitive, no over sensitive. Is it me or is it them. Whatever. I'm grateful to my lovelies who even botherssss to come down to Marina Square just to see me for that few minutes, accompanied me during the long and tiring hours just to talk to me, minusing the fact that my stupid buck tooth assistant manager stalking on them (extremely hilarious please!) or just to put a smile across MY FACE. That simple, that's all I really need to brighten up a gloomy day at work. Very nice infact to like spot your friends in a crowd of unknown faces! :) Especially after seeing different faces (the customers) every single darn minute, plus your ugly ba gei manager stalking your every move:X hahahaha, you just want to talk to someone you know. FYI, I can't even talk to my colleagues damn it. NEVERMIND. I love my toilet and break time very much. 'Cause it's the only time I can like sit in the store room munching my food and slurping my big gulp or slurpee. And SMS and make phone calls. I kinda lost contact with the world when I'm working.. Sigh.. Random.

Sigh... it's ok. They come and go...
Sometimes I wished they never come back.

Understand me, this HURTS.




gosh i'm aging. :(

Thought buzzing.

This stupid thought striked me like a lightning during work today. Freaking random and it made me pretty upset... I hate it when it gets into me. I FAILED to brush it off, it bothered me too much..

Was doing the normal routines of serving the customers... And over the period of my working days, I did realise the customers who came into the store were couples, but.... it didn't bother me so... But then again, I don't know, this was just so out of the blue that suddenly I tried recalling shopping together with you. And it just HIT ME SO HARD, like a painful throbbing thump-thump at the back of my head. Damn it. And then... I instantly remembered choosing 2 long sleeves shirt for you at one of the boutique at Suntec City when you were going in to work for HMM. I remembered the colours of the shirts. One was confirmed blue and the other was brown? OK. That one I don't remember. But ultimately, you made me decide and you went for it. Sigh.. I liked shopping with you, and teasing you back 'cause you are always so picky yadah yadah... I missed watching a movie with you, everything is so damn different now. I didn't catch Kungu Panda with anyone because of you lar, you ass. :( Sighhhh.. It's ok.. I know you are damn lucky, and that you won't even bump into me please. :(( SO NEAR YET SO FAR.

Anyway.. Someone asked me this question before, "If the clock stopped one day, and you could be with him somewhere forever, where would it be?" haha, I told her.. "snuggled right next to him in the cinema or bed. forever :)" I don't mind sleeping forever. Hahahas, thought buzz. Irritating, more like thought bust! :(

purple.ewhite.bus80.artery.ps.224.circuitrd.payalebar.carlsjr.movies............... it's nv ending.

What now..?

2 days to 2 months, since the last I saw you.
And you really don't care anymore.
Damn it, I missed you again. Fuck.

OH SHUT UP.

[edit]I WILL. And I will not let an SMS ruin me. Neither will I get it into me ever again. I deserve much more. I can be so much better than this. I will have the willpower to let go. Sometimes I hate myself.[/edit]
230608. I'll forget twentyfour. Thanks so much.

@ ZOUK AND DOUBLE O :)

my su babyyyy and gracia :)

booblessandboobies!

DBL O's stage lightings.

PCBUNK girls and I :)

BYE.

Same mistakes.

It wasn't on purpose. It did have an intension.
But it didn't turn out how I figured it would be.
Half sober and sheer stupidity.
Sheer stupidity..

More party, more booze, more sticks!
The pain will disappear.

Why are you coming back to my thoughts at the most unlikely times?
Words words words, stale photographs, muted moving images.

There's a pain that sleeps inside,
it sleep with just one eye,
and awakens the moment that you leave.
Though I try to look away,
the pain it still remains,
only leaving when you're next to me.


Program.

Sigh.

When things predicted that it will happen, would eventually happen anyway. Always had it coming, but just don't know when it comes right to you. When it all comes around, it slaps you in the face, stabs you in the heart, knocking you down on you knees. When they say they'll be there, did they mean it? Or was it just words for console? Turned out, they don't seem to be at sight at the times you needed them most. I just think, I deserve it. But I always thought there's still some injustice in between I simply can't forgo. So much things I hold against. Is this why you're so angsty?

I know it's coming my way, but why didn't I stop it? Is this fate, you're asking me?
If one day, you'd think I am able to change my fate..
"Fate would not be decided by man..."

But......

Over this period of time. I learnt.
And I've learnt how to let go..
Goodbye my almost lover, my grudge, my hatreds, my troubles..

It's time to look around, for things worth your time and appreciation.
Just maybe, be even more complacent with whatever you have now..



Bye guys,
Happy Holidays, Jolene! :)

One Republic; Say (All I Need)
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something, somewhere, better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong but nothing's, turned out how you want it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
'Cause you won't let go, of anything you hold
"Well, all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head"

Do you know what you're fate is?
And now you're trying to shake it?
You're doing youre best dance, your best look
You're praying that you'll make it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
'Couse you won't let go, of anything you hold
"Well, all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head
Say all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head"

Do you think I can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it, better than you had it?

Do you think I can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it (yeah), better than you had it? (better than you had it?)

"Say all I need, is the air I breathe, and a place, to rest my head
Say all I need, is the air I breathe, and a place, to rest my head"

Do you know where the end is?
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there, go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say...

shut up and move on.

I wished it to be back when I was a very happy 17 year old kiddo, where I used to have my best friend, my secondary school mates, my bandmates, my year one clique and the many friends I used to befriend when I joined BSC as a sub comm. I loved the attention so much that it really sucks to be all alone now. I seriously can't help but feel soooooooo ... , you know how I feel when suddenly, everything's out of place. No matter how heartbroken I am with someone or just feeling down or when I just needed company, there is always that one soul who will be there for me. Not anymore... Do it onto others and it will do it back to you. For all the stupid choices I made. I regret. And I'll live with it everyday.

This is really one of the most hurting lesson I have ever to bear.
And with that learnt, I'm going solo, and I'm going to stop relying.
So much for this, I'm losing my trust now.

I'll keep your thoughtful words here with me, something better awaits for me.. It's coming my way. So now.. I have got to start living with myself, and do the things that are right for me. I'm on my own, and I'm going my way.
Now, I need the bs and cs. Like fucking bad. Sigh.

Dakota

Thinking 'bout thinking of you
So much I think it’s June.
Yeah, think it was June.
Lay about hang on the grass,
You gonna be having some laughs,
Yeah, having some laughs.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one, your one.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one, your one.

Drinking by drinking for two,
Drinking with you, when drinking was new.
Slipping in the back of my car,
We never went far, you took it far.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one, your one.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one, your one.

I don’t know where we are going now.
I don’t know where we are going now.

Wake up cold coffee and juice,
Remembering you, what happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again?
Talk about life’s little spin, talk about why did it end.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one, your one.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one, your one.

I don’t know where we are going now.
I don’t know where we are going now.

So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
Take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
So take a look at me now.
Now.

I missed you for far too long, but I've made up my mind a long time ago.

Lingering scent.

I feel that now is such an unearthly hour to be home and blogging infront of my lappy. Anyhooo, today's just a 2 hour lesson. So yup I'm back home to rest and later in the night, it's work again. I really hope I won't neglect my studies, so... I'll be going back for lectures from next week onwards. Buy more paper and print all my notes :) So yup, I will be in school on Friday 2PM for lecture! Damn.. Tomorrow's LABOUR DAY. Hmm, nothing special actually..

Sigh... I'm slowly starting to feel that school work is pouring in again. :( Sigh, though its like 3 modules, felt like there's never ending tutorials lei. ZZZ. I'm becoming more lethargic lately... But no matter what, I'm going to strive hard now. :) Got certain things to do in mind. Going to stay strong.. :) Speaking of strong.. I still haven't recovered from a week plus of sickness, closing on to 2 weeks. Having bad coughs... Especially when it's night time.. Somehow.. It's really really tiring and uncomfortable.. 'Cause it will jerk me out of bed in the midst of my beauty sleep. :( Bad..

Hmm.. Anyway, work had been rather manageable. Though I've been thinking that working there is actually doing more damage and harm not only to my health but also for my mind. It simply just won't go away.. 'Cause still whatever I do, it will still bloody freaking hell remind the shit out of you. It's like self tourment lei.. Sigh.. But all in all, I work to earn some extra income and experience. This night life thing is not that extreme yet actually. Until it has finally taken it's toll on me, then yup, I'll be over with it.

You know what, though I have made up my mind, I still fucking, fucking, fucking missed you.. Yet again, there's nothing I can do.. Every single time I'm just so unfair to myself.. I honestly don't want this to end just like that, I yearn for something more than this... Something better than this..... There's really nothing I can do........

Sigh, nevermind.

What else now?

Love from the programmers..

@ Akashi. YA TAH! :D PUI AH BENG! ME LUB YOU MUCHZXZXZX!

Ayeeeeeeeeee... why like to take picture when I'm so caught off guard!



WICKED! >:(

Lovelies :)

Pure retardation!



@ Blu Jaz with the girliesss.







Cheerios!

Erdinger white....

Eighty.

Say Hello! to O'Bar. This is the place I'm going to work at very soon :) Hopefully it would be another fulfilling experience. Can't wait to start work actually, like this coming Sunday! I'm so gonna drown myself with work to get you off my head. NO, actually.. I AM COPING WELL WITH IT. But there are just somethings I can't help but think back. You know what are they? Yes... they are the memories you craved in me. I will never forget the things you've done, I'll still REMEMBER you.. Forget it.. Till I'm over this.

Today also marks another Pisang outing :) My almost 2 years camp buddies!! :D I'm truely amazed by what we are now. :)) Went down to Central for dinner in the evening. Was a bad idea 'cause everywhere was so freaking packed. We ended up having dinner at Pepper Lunch after so much considerations... LOL. -___- Hmmm. Next time, I die die die DIE must go Brewerkz or Iguana's Cafe. Lunar's in the list as well. And and and also Ebar or any other gay bar!! :x Bloody freaking many places I wanna go. ZZZ. Mountain turtle, yo! :p There's free entry for tertiary students at MOS today, but I didn't join them 'cause I swore to my 2 sisters to stop drinking for the time being. You guys better keep your promises too before I........... :) I swear I will......... YAY. Soooo proud of myself actually. Hee. So... I ended going home at 10PM. Freaking unearthly early! Hmmmm and so I took bus 80 home, the freaking one and a half hour journey. Set me thinking back.. Way back........

With you, it's more than just a long bus ride. Hmmm... I will never
have to feel cold 'cause there always used to be your warmth. It's gone.. All
gone.... Now, I'm always sitting by myself at the back of the bus, on the cold,
hard and uncomfortable seats.. My comfort zone no more.... No one to hug to
sleep on that long jouney.. Only the deafening music blarring for my Ipod to
keep me company... To think back now, every bus ride is like a guilt trip.. The
first to the last kiss... Why must every singe thing have to remind me of you... From the moment I wake up, when I'm having my meals, everywhere I go, whatever I
see, whatever I hear.. Your scent still lingers..... All I see now is the ghost
of you and me.. How do you ever forget, how can I ever forget.... But you're
never coming back, I know...

The last, goodbye.


I'm so over it. :)

Tired.

忘记你说你会继续还是要结束
分开时只管哭我是否太迷糊
你是否仍在乎
等的太久不想继续也不愿结束
分开使我走出最遥远的旅途
最缓慢的脚步

I'm still freaking sick. Every morning I wake up, I literally feel like crap. Hoarse throat and a stuffy nose. Sucks.. Things are getting worse everyday I guess. Seriously don't know how long I can keep up with this. This semester's timetable isn't doing me any good either.. There's literally too much spare time now.. What I really need now is something to keep my mind off. We always want what we can't have. I used to complain that school was such a bitch, just look at me now. I want to go to school, but I only have 3 modules. Boo. I wonder how my new class is going to be like.. Should be exciting enough to let me sit back and watch someeee shows, hopefully I don't get dragged in either. Hmmm, I was also thinking lately, I quit the band at the wrong time.. Now I'm super duber free. YAWNS. But I also don't wish to go back now as all of my band friend aren't there, except for 1 or 2. Hmmmm ): Just pray that I get the jobs.. So I can work 3.1 away. Yeppp. Just keep trying. (: I'm starting to lose senses, when will it regain. I'm forever picking up the pieces.. The day when I stop picking up is the day I lose faith.. So... There's still hope for me... It's so hard right now... The moment any sad song plays, all I think is you. Every single thing I do, it reminds me of you. It just starts from the moment I wake up.... Till the moment I lay my head to rest.. With tears literally soaking up my pillow.... I don't want to cry anymore.

And all I ever wanted was for you to know..
Everything I do I give my heart and soul..
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me..

RanDOM

My little family of program babies :)
I missed our little 3-20 classroom where we do almost everything in there, inclusive of loading, unloading, packing, working, eating and sleeping. 3-20 reeks of us programmers. And well, we've practically seen each other's unglam-est moments. I missed having to stay up with all of you guys just to keep the camp programmes and everything in pace. It's really amazing how all of us can stick to each other and really have each other's back. Thank God for these wonderful people who have entered my life and also given a chance to be someone different :) Damn I'm so random.
HEARTS TO; KB, Calvin, KK, Darren, Kannan, Fuad, Gerald, Keagen, Shawn, Gugu, Daniel, Cheryl, Samsam, Sharyl, Woonyah, Vanesa, Pearlyn, Xuan, Kandis, Tracy, Vivien, Shan, Samantha, Wesley and Kokguan :)
P R O G R A M M E R S O F 2 0 0 8

Feel like spilling some thoughts now..
Lately, I felt I have lost someone important in my life.. Was it a moment of folly? Or was it just fated to end in this way.. That everything happened for a reason. Maybe it was really my fault? Sigh, whatever it is.. I really feel sorry for this person for whatever I've done to upset him. But I really don't deserve his treatment now. It's only fair to respect what I want. I can frankly say that I have been there for him through thick and thin... I did feel appreciated for whatever I've done for him whenever he thank me, not through words but just somehow I can read his mind.. But now, everything had seemed to lose its meanings.. Even the most important part of friendship, I can't seem to comprehend now.. To actually think that he would be there like how I used to be whenever he was going through that super hard phase of his life.. He proven me wrong.... Sometimes, one really shouldn't live in their own assumptions. Sometimes they just get obliviously blinded by all their assumptions, they are too deaf to even listen to others. Not even the simplest word or blessing, all that reek was jealousy.... I'm so damn disappointed. Things didn't have to turn out this way... Though I admit, I really sometimes do not know what I really want, but the simplest thing to have from you was YOUR SUPPORT... I've got none from your side... This is the saddest peak of our friendship, and maybe it should end like this..? ): Sigh.... Time, I gave in to it.. But it never gave in to me.. It's running out.. Doesn't really matter, I'm moving along now.. Let it be a past then..

I feel so sorry for Mummy, for having to throw my rotten temper at her. The only person to receive my rotten temper had to be her, not my friends or anyone else, but my MUMMY. I'm such a disgrace to the family. The freaking black SHE sheep. Yet through all this shit, she still put up with my freaking temper. I didn't realise how awfully unfilial I was to her until Gabriel told me. I can't even make her happy for just ONE freaking day. All I do is raised my voice, talk back and fight for my own rights. Somehow I just feel that she just doesn't trust me, she's just too over protective and that I don't know how to take care of myself.. It's for my own good, but I'm just blinded by the fact that she doesn't TRUST me ): The freaking big word again. Until the day when she's finally gone, then will I learn. SIGH. I always do it the hard way. But seriously, I NEED MY SPACE ): I hope things get better. I know you know I'm your good girl...... I'll be better... ): If only I could convey my thoughts into actions to prove it to you, that I REALLY CARE FOR YOU.

I haven't seen my BESTFRIEND for half a year.. She had seriously gone with the winds. Was it my fault that I never really took the initiative? Or should I put the blame on her career..? NO. All in all... I blame nobody, but myself... I remembered your words Feli. :) I will never hurt anyone else, I never will. But the only living thing I would is myself... So my bestfriend, where have you been.. Things had pretty much changed... I feel the horrible distance in between.. So much for that, both of lives have most probably made drastic changes. You'd be horrified to find out what a person I've become. But somethings in me will never change for you. You know it. I really am the same old Jolene you used to know 7 years ago.. This is for you to keep in memory. What about you? Sigh... This is pointless talking to myself about you, when I don't even initiate to open up. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me having to just pick my phone up just to ask how are you... I freaking have no guts. Actually last Chirstmas I did. Think it sorta backfired ): Sigh... And so I never tried. Yet again, time never waits for me... I'm moving along now..

So many things I have yet to keep reminding myself never to look back. The tendency to turn around... I'm so vulnerable.. Remember what I told you, if you ever have to leave me one day.. Don't stay but just walk away. Leave without a trace.. I don't wna turn around to see you standing there. I would never leave this way... Please remember that, okay baby?

Hurt is inevitable....

Fusion.

Suffering from a fusion of emotions.

That sucks. Anyway, THANK GOD ANP IS OVER! BYE BYE STUPID SUBJECT, I don't hope to see you during my holidays! And, bye bye 34 marks ): Damn the last bloody question. Ya, 34 marks! That's like 30% of the goddamn paper! I'm utterly UPSET. And who knew MCQs could be so damn difficult. Can't believe I actually stumbled one the very first question. "Baby, you can put the blame on me." WHINES. Oh well, least all this ANP shit would stay away from me for the time being, I can't say for good, might just be back for the sups.

I'm so bloodyhell HUNGRY at this damn hour and I'm refraining so damn hard from binge eating lar bloodyhell. ): I'm so hungry I can cry now!!! Sucks lar, was so damn full like in the evening thanks to 3 plate sushi, dinner and mango milkshake. Think I burnt it all up during the almost 30min jog around sk with Boobies. (Hey, I just realised if you remove an 'o' in Boobies, and replace it with a 'b', it will become BOBBIE! My baby puppy-yap-yap! NOISY BABY! K side-tracked.) I liked the new route a lot. Beats jogging the same one everyday! Anyway, we seem like we jogged to chiong for what? Bubble tea lar. LOL. Stupid Boobies craving. But we ended up drinking some bland honey tea WITHOUT pearls from Cup Walker. It's really BLAND. Uck. Nevertheless, less fattening too :D Oh, walked past the bakery after puchasing bubble tea and guess what I saw? ONDEH ONDEH BALLS. Sadly I didn't get to buy them 'cause we only had 40cents altogether, enough to only buy.. ONE BALL. I'm again utterly UPSET. Chiong home to watch the tele (:

3 more papers! Should be a breeze (: I love FM, SM and CRM! YAY! (: Damn it. Lol. Management papers overloaded with endless theories. FASHIONSTORECUSTOMERRELATIONSHIP! Time to si bei 'cause I'm like what? Brain dead. Poooooof. Hopefully it would be a fulfilling day whereby I study in the morning and head the gym or stadium with Boobies and Feli babe to burn out in the evening. Yeah, can't wait. I feel so ecstatic this days when it comes to sweating out. Lol. Yayyyy.

Anyway, I'm too lazy to load every single photograph I owe, I did up a lousy collage. ENJOY.
And I realised, I didn't save that much photographs actually! x:


Think that all balls(:
Will the novelty last? Or will it fade away..

Just the thinking, it hurts.

Frustrating luh, stupid Bobby keep chewing on my tissues I left lying around the bed awhile ago. Stupid dog. BAH. Ok so far projects have not spared me. But it's the very last one. I am seriously sucked dry. The Band practice today just made me stress even further. 'Cause I just can't seem to sight read properly. After 8, my mind totally drifted away. I'm plainly tired. ):

Today also marks the end of trading in 1st ave for my class and it happened to be an enjoyable day too. Sadly hoho's on mc, and he can't get to tease me : p bleah. This week's gna be a tough one too, with presentations and a mind-dreading test to deal with. Sigh. Wait, it gets harder everyday. ): And the semester's going to end. Year 3 omg. I feel so old again, and now I'm starting to contemplate my future. SIM or Laselle. I've got probably one year more to think through. Sigh. This is dreadful. Degrees. Degrees. Degrees. I. Digress.

I'm tired. Everyday. Seriously need a break after exams. 4 bloody papers. Can't get enough of that seriously. My eyes are shutting already, and if I'm not wrong, there's class later. I think. So time to hit the sack. Ciaos loves.

Letting go didn't halt me from thinking. And it made me learnt a valuable lesson.
Be complacent with whatever you have.
'Cause in reality, nothing's NEVER enough..
We can't want what we always can't have.. That's reality.
To be able to make me smile until today..
I guess, it's more than enough..
Still, I don't know how much longer.
And I'm starting to question myself...
Did I even really let it go? God knows.

Drop off point.

Hi, I am craving for a green apple. And I seem to be procrastinating real much.
I reek of my own pespiration. And I need a bath badly.
Big mozzies on the loose. Damn.
Where art thou, Polaris? :)




Well, you're never gonna find it,
If you're looking for it,
Won't come your way.
Well, you'll never find it,
If you're looking for it.

The thinking hurts so much.
Everyone thinks everyday.
Some don't.
Some are sensible.
And some just couldn't careless.
But me..
I think too much.
My thoughts soon became what they call, wishful thinking.

I'm imagining a cliff, where I stand with my fist clenched tight..
Clinging on to my only hopes I had for you.
I counted down.....
3.. 2... 1....
I slowly loosen my grip..
And painlessly watched it depart and take the flight.
Like dandelion seedlings clinging on and everntually letting go..
They may fall, but they pick themselves up and fly away again.
Even if they fall, they fall to grow.

This fear's so overwhelming..
I'm letting go of everything.

I don't need anyone now.

Collision.

Hurt myself today, but I guess it didn't hurt as much as my heart does. (:

Life's so sad, afterall.

Hmm.. I'd always have faith that things would be better after I stumble. Well, afterall I do have to pick up the pieces slowly and that's just what I am doing now. Like they always say, you can't be always running away from truths, you have to face it. I've suffer so much setbacks, but this is by far the worse. When everything, literally, EVERYTHING falls apart.. And I have not much of a choice to turn to, I still have to put up a strong front.. Who could possibly understand what lies behind a smile? But I'd always hope time would heal even though it'll etched me with marks. I'm still chasing the light, before I stumble into pitch black darkness.. Isn't this the hardest part of living.

I still can't make myself to talk to anyone at home. I just REFUSE to, and I'm sorry if I've become dumb.

I can't believe that a phonecall could actually leave me speechless and that it could change everything. I really don't know what can I do now. I thought to myself how selfish I was and it made me realise the importance of being human, least. I wish I could buy the time we've let go so much. 3 months just whizzed past, how long more are we going to wait?

I have always forgetten the ones whom actually cares for me. We are just unaware how we take things for granted. Now that I realise, a simple message could actually bring a smile across my face. The simplest little things that could bring you back together. And I really just don't know how to appreciate it.

I'm that selfish.
Even to myself.

To make myself wait for naught. How ignorant I am to these advices. Am I going to continue on, 4 years? 10? I really don't know. If finding someone new was that easy, I would have left you long ago. I wouldn't be stuck still thinking how are you and are you okay. Somehow I just need a tight slap in the face by reality to make me wake up. Or I'll just be drowning in this never ending bottomless pit, the losing end, no endless. Falling and still falling down.

And STILL falling.....

Like I wouldn't even hurt. Anyway, I've gathered all my thoughts. Just live like a disease in my heart. I won't budge, but I know when it's time. When to cure or go.. I only live in my regrets, I know..

Anyway, another day in school later. 1st Ave day. Hmm. And I need to clean up my A&P report. That sucks. Hope it doesn't rain anymore, I want to escape.



I'm sorry everyday.

Rain, rain, go away.. (:

I miss the clique like crazy.
I miss school like crazy.
I miss my old photographs like crazy.
I can't get them back, because they are lost in a vitrual world I can never access again.
I think they are gone forever.. ):
Anyway, I'm back form Safti! I had a blast there and God knows why. Hunny-su and I turned INSANE. Lol. Seriously need a bucket when we go there please. (Droools and oooogling! OMG!) There were cute guys in their cute uniform, EVERYWHERE. The Navy contigen is like WOHHH!! I love them the best 'cause they were fully cladded in white! LOL. So drop-dead gorgeous CHARMING. I am so smittened by this damn freaking ass cute, dreamy-eyes, sharp nose and oh-so-tall Navy contigen commander. omfg. AHH. Whenever he's near, I'll just melt. Just like that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All that sugar rush. DIMPLES. HOMG! Two freaking dimples on his flawless face. I am so blown away. AHHHHHHHHH. My brother should have dragged me to take a photograph with him. DAMN! Hehe. Okay okay, nuff of the boy talk. (:

Thank God the rain stopped for us! The parade was awesome, I think we know why lar huh. I'm so proud of my big brother(: He was so estatic when he saw us, he just came over and hugged me like I was his teddy bear o_o" LOL. LIKE OOFs and UOFs and AWWs everywhere. Hehe. Buffet was alright and we get to laze around his dorm area. We had to wait for mum, dad and Jayjay for their 5-course dinner to finish. Lol. So hunny-su and I had long chats and we played foosball. It's screamingly insane. And I lost to her. Diao. Thank God it was only us in the room! We could bring the whole Safti down with our laughters and screamings! Lol. Yay. Today was so muchhh fuuuuunnn!! Thanks my hunnysweetlove for joining us :D You made someone so happy(: Love you Su-hanna Quek Geok Hee :D


HUNNY-SU IS L O V E (:
The two most important men in my life.

My family.. (:

Our pride(: You look so hot. LOL.
Loves!

What if, I was still standing, right here?
I know I wouldn't still be..
Good night.

Time tore you apart.

Hi, happy belated halloween's to all : )

Today's a super random rubbish day. I'm sooo tired. Was overnighting in the airport 24 hours ago with Orneh, doing really random stuff. Hmmmm. We drew 7 cards there in 5 hours. Was totally retarted and high on those sugar-icing-biscuit. And yeah, I took 4 hours to complete a journal entry for Olivia lovely. Reached home at 7AM and sleeeept till 10.30AM. FYI, I thought lessons were at 11AM, it turned out to be an online tutorial. So I rushed to school for nothing. Strangely, dad drove me to school. :/ Thanks. Nuuuua-ed around with Poldars and went lunch with twin love and I decided to go home and SLEEP again. So I reached home around 3, spent my time watching Sponge Bob Squarepants, but ended up sleeping on the sofa. And was yes! Almost LATE again, for band. The very very last rehersal. Oh weeeelll, there was free food(: Rehersal was tiring but was still enjoyable somehow and we ended really late today. I only left TP at 11pm. Concert's this Friday. I'm starting to feel a lil' for it. It just might really be a new beginning for us(: And hmmmm, tickets sales were good. So yeah. Can't wait to see all my friends! Yay. Kayyy, I've got a long day ahead. Boo. So ciao~

Bo-liao-ings.


Sweets, you're utterly my biggest disappointment.
I don't understand you now.
And I don't want to anymore.
This is my bittersweet goodbye to you.
I'll just say you'd never chanced upon my life.
I'll say you'd never even existed.
And I don't know who you are.

Drugs.
How could she not look back at the craved memories deep inside her heart.
They kept you here.
Bottles and overdose, a bitter drug so irresistably sweet.
You're just her morbid addiction she can't kill.
In her time, you were torn apart.
Freed her mind and cleared her thoughts,
All she needed now is that lethal shot that stops her clock.
Good night you, her sweetest love of all....

Sigh. I have to save myself. Hang on Jolene..

Back to where we started.

I feel totally bimbotic since yesterday. And today. Hmmmm. Have been in town and city for the past few days. Zzz. And wasted like so much money on my shopping trip. It's worth the money though. Hmmm.. guess I really needa scrimp and save again since I won't be working currently. I shall let the pictures carry on, I'm moodless to talk.

Hello bbbbbbff(: On our way to Doby.
We chilled at Cathay's Starbuckssss. Olivia loved this photo! Twist!

And I made Olivia try my favourite Green Tea Frap with Blackberry(: Now both of us love it!! Lol.
Today's menu:

Hahaha, the obvious. We went grubbing instead after realising that the career seminar was like totally not for us.
Ommm yooom yuuuuum. Twinnie love grubbing her B.M.T
I look like a rat. OMMM. Grubbing moi Honey Oat((:
ONE-EYED Monsters!!
Desserts! (: Phish foood is really sweeeeeet. Chocolate, chocolate. Oh sinnnnners foood.
Seeing double?! Lol. Twin's L.O.V.E(:
I think Feli is so cool.
Kiss me, baby.
I'm so damn lazy now. My eyes are red and dry. And school's starting tomorrow. I can't wait to see everyone again! (: Dread it's going to be a 9AM lecture. Anyway! Beaching tomorrow. I hope the sun would be kind to us! I wna soak and embrace you dearest sun! (: Ciao.

Those words never failed to make me feel so appreciated. You managed to draw a smile outta me after so long. Now, you've got me dizzy. Sometimes I wish I didn't fall for it, I just can't help it but let them get me. Sigh.. I'm still wondering how did I end up in such a wreck, every single time. And you still mean a lot to me. I really hate to contradict. You really do.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart, deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams, I wished they would turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.